OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
