If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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