True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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