woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
