Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
