If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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