I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize