he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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