My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
