Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
