the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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