Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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