Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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