I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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