I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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