i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize