so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
