Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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