babies were throwing up all over the place
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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