How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
