her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
