Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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