I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
