Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
