Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
