I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Sorry about my life...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
