I just pynch a tree in the face
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
