The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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