dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
