Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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