I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize