My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
