I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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