i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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