how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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