Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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