WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You can't special order awesome
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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