Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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