note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
