i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
