4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
it hurts more in the daytime
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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