They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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