So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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