She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
