Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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