I am puke
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize