If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
