My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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