I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
