I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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