Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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