I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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