i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
