it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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