soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
