Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
