i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
