while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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